Neurodiverse Couples Therapy
When two different brains are trying to build one life together, sometimes things as simple as talking, making plans, getting out the door, parenting, managing the house, navigating intimacy or resolving an argument can feel surprisingly difficult!
What is a Neurodiverse Relationship?
A relationship in which partners have different neurological profiles or ways of processing the world. This could look like an ADHD and an Autistic partner, an AuDHD and a neurotypical partner, two ADHD partners, or any other mixed-neurotype relationship.
You don’t have to have a diagnosis - you might be wondering if neurodivergence might explain some of your experiences, and we can help with that too.
You might seek neurodiverse couples therapy if you are struggling with —>
Communication (not feeling understood, conflicting communication styles)
Conflict (small issues become huge)
Emotional disconnection (the love is there but you still feel disconnected)
Executive functioning (time, tasks, planning or follow-through are tough)
Sensory differences (touch, noise, sound or smell sensitivity create barriers)
Intimacy and sex (needs, desire, initiation or touch tolerance feel different)
Mental Load (overwhelm with household management that may be unbalanced)
Shutdowns, meltdowns or overwhelm (your tipping points may be different)
Parenting (differing approaches to routines, discipline, expectations)
Life Transitions (big changes affect everyone differently)
Traditional relationship advice just doesn’t seem to fit
For a lot of couples, the missing piece isn’t love. It’s understanding how differently each person experiences, processes and responds to the world.
The goal isn’t to change either person. It’s to understand how you each may experience the world differently, and how to move forward together as a partnership. Neurodiversity isn’t something to ‘fix’!
Many couples wait until their problems are severe before seeking marriage/relationship counselling, but often it’s true that the longer problems are left to fester, the worse they get. Remember - you don’t need to be in crisis to come to therapy!
At Aligned Minds®, we take a strengths-based and neuro-affirming approach. We know that we are all different, and that includes our brains and the way we process and move through the world. You may have a formal diagnosis, be self-diagnosed or exploring the possibility, or you may simply recognize that differences in communication, sensory needs, emotional regulation, executive functioning, social processing or relationship expectations may be affecting connection.
If you don’t have a diagnosis but are interested in the possibility and would like to find out more, we also offer a range of Psychological Assessments.
(If you don’t feel that neurodiversity is a factor in your relationship, we also offer Couple’s Counselling for neurotypical couples).
Neurodivergence can affect relationships in ways that don’t always seem obvious from the outside.
For example, ADHD can affect relationships through struggles with; Executive Functioning • Attention and Connection• Emotional Regulation • Time and Transitions.
While those with Autism may struggle with; Communication and Social processing • Sensory Processing • Need for Predictability • Emotional Expression and Reciprocity.
These differences don’t automatically mean the relationship is unhealthy. They simply give us more information about what each person may need in order to feel safe, understood and connected.
At Aligned Minds, we don’t approach neurodivergence as something that needs to be ‘fixed’!
Your neurological differences are a part of the relationship picture. They can bring genuine difficulties, but they can also be important strengths.
Neurodiverse relationships can be wonderful, deeply connected and full of humour, creativity and mutual understanding. They can also come with some very specific challenges.
Our role is to help you understand the patterns you are in and what each of you is bringing to the table. This might mean looking at —>
• What happens immediately before a conflict escalates, or when one person gets overwhelmed
• How sensory differences affect closeness, affection and physical intimacy
• Executive functioning and the invisible workload of daily life
• Emotional regulation and co-regulation
• Differences in communication and processing speed, and how each communicates their needs
• Parenting and family dynamics
• Expectations around household responsibilities
• Rejection sensitivity and perceived criticism
• Shutdowns, meltdowns, withdrawal or pursuing
• Past experiences of feeling misunderstood or rejected
• Masking and the exhaustion that can come with constantly adapting
• How each partner gives and receives love
• The strengths that each person brings to the relationship
How does couples therapy work?
There is no one-size-fits-all approach that works for every couple. At Aligned Minds, our therapists draw from several well-established relationship therapy approaches, tailor treatment to the people sitting in front of us, rather than expecting your relationship to fit into one particular model. Approaches used at our clinic include;
The Gottman Method
Neurodiverse Couples Therapy and AANE-informed training - specialized training through Association for Autism (AANE) and Neurodiverse Couples Institute.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
In couples therapy, we often work with couples in 3 stages:
Stage 1
We get to know you with a thorough assessment of
your history, your difficulties and strengths, what you may have already tried and whether it worked or not.
Stage 2
We will create a plan with strategies and approaches that are tailored to your unique needs and presenting concerns in couples counselling.
Stage 3
We will create a shared vision of what
you both want to achieve for your relationship and work towards making it happen. This may involve learning new skills
"To be aware of a single shortcoming
in oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in someone else."
Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama